Michael
I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
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This is a novella adaptation of a short film that I partcipated in with some friends from school last May. This first post is the first four "chapterlets" of the story. I'd appreciate any comments people can give on it. Keep in mind, though, that this is my first real attempt at creative writing (aside from anything in school).
This is a work in progress, and as such, is liable to change based on my own evaluation of it, and of course, your comments. In the story, I try to go beyond what was in the short film, and bring out the characters a little bit. So, here goes:
| Quote | A Meeting
It was a Thursday afternoon at Manchester High School, a school centrally situated in a large town, population 150,000. The school day has commenced, but the end of the note taking and listing to lectures was no barrier to activity in the building. Wherever you looked, there were students working to make life at the school and community better in some way. However, at the moment, much of the activity came from an average sized classroom in the east wing of the school. A recently formed video production club called Red Productions was about to meet to discuss a large production that was to take place the following evening. It was two-fifteen in the afternoon and the meeting was about to start.
For the first five minutes after the day-ending bell, the members of the club entered the room and chatted amongst each other before Eric Larson, advisor of the club walked out of his office and toward the table where the group was gathered and took a seat. "All right everyone, lets get started," he said, and everyone else quieted down. "Good. As you know, we have a big production tomorrow. Is everyone ready for it?" There was a general murmur of assent. "All right then. Everything goes live starting at eight o'clock, but I need everyone there around 6 -- "
"O, crap! I forgot I have work today!" said Senior Kyle Carson, the club's President and Program Director. "I'm going to be late, so I've got to go. I'll see you all tomorrow morning for the announcements."
Larson took a moment to look up at Kyle as he went to grab his stuff from the other room. He remembered well the day Kyle had started his career in the school's Media TV department. He recalled the moment when this short freshman student entered the room on the first day of school for an MHS TV News (another program hosted by the department) meeting. Since then, Larson had noted Kyle's progress and was amazed at how much he had grown, not only in stature, but also in his skill. Along with the rest of the club members, he wished Kyle a good night as Kyle himself made his way toward the door of the room.
"Adios!" Kyle said, as he exited the room.
"All right everybody, lets get back on task," Larson said after Kyle had left. "Like I said, the show starts at eight o'clock, but I need you at the auditorium for six-thirty. We have to set up graphics and cameras, so we'll need enough time to do all the pre-production. I've made out a position list as follows..." Larson pointed at the people he was mentioning as he continued speaking. "Kyle will be directing. Jake, I've put you as technical director this time. I know it's your first time doing this position, but I think you'll do well."
"Of course I will!" said Jake. "Have I ever let you down, Mr. Larson?"
Knowing Jake's demeanor, this was no complaint, but rather one of Jake's witty remarks. Smiling, Mr. Larson continued on, "Of course not, Jake. All right. So, Kyle is directing and Jake will TD." Pointing to a boy on his far right, he said, "Mike, you'll be on graphics, so make sure to get a program from the Student Activities office before tomorrow night." Mike simply nodded in response.
"Next," replied Larson. He next gestured toward the two girls sitting to his left and the boy sitting in front of him on the other side of the table as he said, "Jessica, Katie, and Israel will be on camera." Pointing to the a boy on his right and another boy sitting on the other side of the table, he finished, "Nate will be on audio and Angelo on the playback decks. Everybody all right with their positions?" Again, there was a murmur of assent.
"I wanted to direct," said Jessica, "but it's Kyle's last shoot, so just let him do it."
"Yea, I know how you feel," said Larson. "Speaking of Kyle, I was thinking of doing something special for him this year. I'm currently in the process of creating a video of his past four years here in Media TV to show at our awards ceremony in June." Everybody chimed in with his or her support of this idea. "That sounds great, Mr. Larson," said Katie.
Larson nodded. "Well, everybody, I believe that's it for today. Remember though, six-thirty sharp. Don't be late."
Once everybody had left to go home, Larson went around making sure everything was shut off and closed up. Returning to his office, he grabbed his belongings and went to the classroom for one more sweep to make sure everything was cleaned up. Sure enough, there were a few scraps of paper lying around, and he threw these into the recycling bin. He then closed a window he couldn't quite remember being left open ten minutes before, than walked to the other end of the room where he shut off the lights, and walked out.
Production
It was the night of the production, and because the production was a musical, everybody had to be on task, being sure to watch out for any sudden changes. The night had been a good so far, with all the Red Productions crew doing her or her jobs exceptionally well. Kyle, wearing a wireless headset and microphone, knew the position he was in; it was his job to look for the best shots and then command the camera operators and technical director to pursue these shots. Right now, the shot camera three showed looked promising. "Preview camera three." he told to Jake. “And...take camera three." A song and dance routine came up on the program monitor in front of Kyle. "Camera three is live," he said to the camera operators through his microphone. This process continued for the next hour. It was getting close to intermission now, and everybody was starting to get a little tired.
"Camera four, get your shot!" Kyle yelled to Israel. "Izzy, come on!"
Through his headphones, Kyle heard Israel's voice, "All right, all right! I've got it now."
"Good. Now, preview camera four, Jake, and...take camera four." A shot of the curtain closing now came up on the program monitor. "Good job," commented Kyle. "Mike, intermission graphic in 3...2...1...cut graphic." A graphic reading "Intermission" laid over the video footage on the monitor. "All right everybody, it's intermission, so just hang tight for a few minutes."
It was just then that it happened – a noise as though somebody were banging came from above – and everybody in the control room heard it. "BOOM BOOM BOOM!"
"What the...?" said Jake.
“Is somebody up in the auditorium rafters?” asked Kyle.
"Not sure," said Larson. "Hang on, I'll go check it out. It might just be somebody being a jerk." Larson left the control room. The whole room waited with bated breath for five minutes before Larson came back.
"You find anything?" asked Kyle.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Of course, now that I think of the situation more deeply, it doesn't mean much that we heard something. This is an old building, so it could have been just the structure settling or something from upstairs that fell down. I didn't find anything, but it should be nothing to worry about."
"Yea...something probably did just fall down," said Angelo.
Kyle just shrugged and turned back to the program monitor. "Ok everybody," he told to the room at large. "Intermission is about to end, so get ready."
It was an hour and a half later, and the play was about to end." Kyle pointed to the monitor for camera four and said to Jake, "that's the camera we're going to go to next, so preview camera four." To Israel he said, "Ok, Izzy, the curtain is closing, but it's going to open back up soon, so get a shot of the stage area now." Seconds later, the curtain opened back up, and Kyle said, "Take camera four, camera four is live. Ok, the bowing is done, so Mike, I need the full screen in 3...2...1...cut graphic." The final graphic appeared on the program monitor. "All everybody, great job tonight. Camera operators, wait until the crowd thins out to pack up your cameras. After doing that, come upstairs to the control room so we can go back to 138 together."
The Night Begins
It had been a long night, but everybody was satisfied with the job they had done during the production. The group was now walking down the main hallway in the school toward room 138. Mike, Kyle, and Larson led the way, talking about the production, and different camera techniques. In the middle, Nate and Angelo were talking about the latest in baseball. And, at the end, Israel, Kate, Jessica, and Jake were talking about a project they had been assigned in chemistry.
"I think the toothpaste project will be pretty fun," said Jessica.
"I agree", said Katie. "For once, we'll be applying the things we learn in that class, and not just trying to balance equation after equation."
"I hear your class got lucky," said Israel, who was in a different chemistry class than Jessica and Katie, and thus had received slightly different instructions for the assignment. "Our class has to write a three-page lab report!"
Katie, Jessica, and Israel were so involved in the discussion that they hadn't noticed that Jake had broken apart from their group and was now hiding behind a table.
As they were about to walk right by him, Jake jumped out of his hiding spot and shouted, "BOO!" Jessica and Katie screamed and then started yelling at Jake.”
"Jake!" they both said.
"You know we hate when you do that," added Katie."
Jake laughed. "You guys are such wimps." Katie rolled her eyes, and went back to discussing the toothpaste project with Jessica. Meanwhile, Jake made his way to the front trio. "Hey, guys!"
"Hey, Jake," Mike replied as Jake swept past him.
Israel, Katie, and Jessica approached the main office, when Jake suddenly jumped out again, yelling, "BOO!" Katie and Jessica screamed again.
"Jake, stop doing that!" they yelled at the same time.
Jake laughed again, "I can't believe I got you two twice in a row." He finally went back to listening about the toothpaste project.
Everybody now turned the corner. "Hey, I've got to go to the bathroom. I'll meet up with you in a couple minutes." "Alright Jake," said Katie as he entered the boys' bathroom. The rest of the group continued on to room 138.
***
Everybody in the club was now chatting amongst each other, or preparing to go home as Larson entered the classroom. "Anybody who need a ride home, call now!"
Mike was in Larson's office using the phone, and had started to dial his home phone number when Kyle entered the room. "Hey Mike, you need a ride home?"
"Yea," replied Mike. "You don't mind, do you?"
"No, not at all," said Kyle. "By the way, you haven't seen Jake, have you?"
"No," answered Mike. "I haven't seen him anywhere since we got back."
"Alright, thanks." Kyle made his way through the next room shouting, "Jake...Jake? You need a ride home? Jake? Come on...I want to get home before midnight!" Not finding Jake anywhere in the next two rooms, Kyle wondered whether Jake might be outside in the hall. He opened the door, and looked up and down the hall, but he didn't see Jake. Still, visibility was limited as it was pitch dark in the hall, so Kyle went out further toward the bathroom Jake had entered earlier. It was as he went nearer to the bathroom that Kyle noticed a camera bag lying alone on the floor in front of the door. He knew Jake had been carrying a camera earlier, but found no reason that it should be in this place. Then, there was the way it was placed – on its side, as though it had been dropped.
"JAKE!" yelled Kyle. "What is this camera doing here?" When nobody answered, Kyle started to become a little worried. He walked forward and put his hand on the door handle, but hesitated, as the door was slightly open. Again, he tried calling out to Jake, "This camera shouldn't be here, Jake." However, for all it mattered, Kyle could have been addressing the darkness around him. So, Kyle looked at the doorway in front of him, but nothing seemed to be wrong with it. He entered the bathroom.
Kyle walked a little more slowly now, as a way to soften his footsteps. It then occurred to Kyle that Jake was probably playing a stupid joke on him. "Jake, I swear, if you try to scare me like you did earlier, I'll --" Kyle broke off as he surveyed the scene around him. A window at the end of the room was open. It's a cold night, thought Kyle. What's that window doing open? But the mystery of the open window was completely cleared from his mind as Kyle looked down at the floor of the first stall. What he saw made him yell out in utter fear. Before him was Jake, covered in blood, with more pooling out onto the floor. Kyle didn't know much about health, but with all the blood flowing out of his body, Jake looked dead. Not having a second thought, Kyle turned and ran out of the room back to room 138.
Horrors
Mike was still in Larson's office finishing up a phone call to his mother. "Yup. Ok, mom."
Larson was getting impatient. "Come on Mike, we're on Board of Ed. Time here."
Mike turned around and rolled his eyes, annoyed that Mr. Larson was trying to be witty so late at night. "Hang on, Mr. Larson. Yup, I know, mom--."
"Come on, Mike!"
"All right, Mr. Larson. Look mom, I'm getting a ride home with Kyle. Ok? All right, bye." He hung up the phone and put it on Larson's desk and then sat down in a chair across from it.
Nate now went to pick up the phone, but Larson was faster and got it first. Larson held out the phone to Nate, but when Nate reached for it, Larson took it back again. "Can I use your phone, Mr. Larson?" said Nate.
Larson picked up a mug with some scattered coins in it and said, "Somebody has to pay the bills. One quarter for twenty seconds.” Nate deposited a quarter into the mug, took the phone, and started dialing. Suddenly, Kyle burst into the office.
"Mr. Larson!" You've got to come with me to the boys' bathroom." He was speaking so rapidly, it was hard for Larson to digest what Kyle was saying.
"What, Kyle?"
"Jake...it's Jake. He's like lying on the bathroom floor, covered in blood! You've got to come with me."
Larson knew that this wasn't something Kyle would joke about. "All right Kyle, lets go." He and Kyle went together out of the room and toward the bathroom. |
Michael Merritt
AgoroDex Network Network Administrator
Feel free to PM if you find problems with or have questions about this or any AgoroDex Network site.
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Phil
On top of the world
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Ok, I went through and fixed most of the quote marks for you, and it gave me a chance to read through it.
There are a couple of places you have extraneous quotation marks (I left them all in there), like
| Quote | | It was an hour and a half later, and the play was about to end." |
| Quote | | "You know we hate when you do that," added Katie." |
| Quote | | "Mr. Larson!" You've got to come with me to the boys' bathroom." |
Another thing is that the word "let's" is a contraction for "let us", so it should have the apostrophe.
Now onto the substance of what you wrote.
I found it hard to relate to. A lot of the language in the dialogue seems rather awkward, especially given that the characters are (for the most part) high school students.
Also, I didn't feel this did a good job building up suspense. There were a few (rather obvious hints) that something was wrong, and then all of the sudden Jake is dead on the bathroom floor. It just seems a rather abrupt transition, even if I could see it coming from a mile away.
Since it's easier for me to be critical than to praise (most of the time), don't think that I don't like it ... with some work, it could be pretty good. It has some problems, though, but they (generally) aren't fundamental problems.
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Michael
I love YaBB 1G - SP1!
Total Posts:
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Yea, don't worry about it, it's the type of commenting I was looking for. At least your criticism is constructive...on an Episode III fanscript I was reading over at theforce.net, some immature brats we're just like, "this sucks!" without giving any reasons or suggestions for improvement.
As for relating to the characters, I can see what you mean there. However, I don't have a whole lot to work with since the film never really explores the characters all that much, so basically I'm making it up as I go along (well, for some of it, anyway). But, I'm working on that.
As for the suspense, I'll definitely go back and explore ways to make that better. All-in-all, even though the movie was short and its second half is kind of fast-paced, I think I can really adapt it into a nice novella (a short novel, although that may be the wrong word for this, lol).
Thanks for your comments.
Michael Merritt
AgoroDex Network Network Administrator
Feel free to PM if you find problems with or have questions about this or any AgoroDex Network site.
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