PoetsQuill Message Board logo

PoetsQuill Message Board

» Go to PoetsQuill

November.

PoetsQuill Message Board » Post Your Poetry » November.
Ben Grader

Junior Member


Total Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:24 am
Link to this post Reply To This
The rain drifts down; a lazy mist,
captures the distant trees.
No birds are calling; even the rooks
perching forlorn in willows by the rhine
are sitting in silent misery.

From its quat a hare peeps forth
ears wet and drooping, as it peers
suspecting distant enemies;
for rain will kill a fox?s scent.

Pheasants wander keeping
beneath the hedge and scratch
kicking the dirt and search
in vain for insects; a fruitless hope.

Rain-water pools and dribbles
down the gripes, washing in
mouse-holes flushing out
unfortunate field voles.

Now the rain has trickled
through my coat, a steady damp
is oozing down my back
I am for home myself
and whisky toddy in the warm.




Born and bred a country yokel
Back to top
Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 11:09 pm Report this post to a moderator
Nate

New Member


Total Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2004 12:28 am
Link to this post Visit homepage for Nate Reply To This
I liked it! Each stanza is like a snapshot of what's happening, and you do a good job of conveying the scene to the reader. However, all the fifth lines in each stanza seem either redundant or unnecessary. For instance, "who built too close for safety" is implied already, and it detracts from the whole visual imagery aspect of the poem. Don't explain, just show and then the reader can draw his own conclusions.
- Nate Caldwell
Webmaster of The Young Writers Society
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com
Back to top
Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 8:30 am Report this post to a moderator
Ben Grader

Junior Member


Total Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:24 am
Link to this post Reply To This
Thanks for the comment Nate, looking in restrospect I quite agree about the fifth line in the middle three verses. I shall edit my original but keep the fifth line in the first and last verses.
Born and bred a country yokel
Back to top
Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 12:03 am Report this post to a moderator
Lerins

Junior Member


Total Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2004 8:39 am
Link to this post Reply To This
I like this as a written poem, and like Nate said, each stanza is a snapshot that inspires images. I tried reading it in my head like you would read it aloud, and it feels very "start and stop" with the rhythm. Maybe there isn't one, or maybe I'm just missing it, but it seems like you can get two or three lines in and then lose thr rhythm.
Back to top
Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:09 pm Report this post to a moderator
Ben Grader

Junior Member


Total Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:24 am
Link to this post Reply To This
Thanks for your comment Lerins My niece told me to read anything I wrote out loud to see if it 'worked' and I find that a tip to sometimes get a balance.
Been a little neglectful of Poets Quill latey but I must reform and look in regularly.
Born and bred a country yokel
Back to top
Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2005 10:51 am Report this post to a moderator
Bluesy Socrateaser

Veteran Member


Total Posts: 225
Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2009 6:14 am
Link to this post Reply To This
One of the great accompaniments to wet, cool days of early spring and late fall is the "toddy'. The scenic blends of the day are well evident Ben.



...8)
...Just being Bluesy
Back to top
Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:33 am Report this post to a moderator
PoetsQuill Message Board » Post Your Poetry
Sent To A Friend Printable Version
All posts are © their original authors
Board software © 2004–2008 Phil Gengler
Privacy Statement