PoetsQuill Message Board logo

PoetsQuill Message Board

» Go to PoetsQuill

A Gentle MIst

PoetsQuill Message Board » Post Your Poetry » A Gentle MIst
Ben Grader

Junior Member


Total Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:24 am
Link to this post Reply To This
A gentle mist rises
from the pond I sit near
birthing a rainbow in the cool sun's light.

A water hen fusses her way
through the rushes at the verge:
crying with a raucous call, to her young ones
as they scatter across, the stretch of water.
Small fish break the surface, as they hunt down
midges newly hatched: to make a breakfast.
Here and there a swirl, as a pike, in turn
skims his meal, from the little fish.
I sit unseen as a heron lands upon the further bank
and stands like a preacher in his pulpit, looking down
not at a congregation, but for frogs and eels.
It is the start of a summer day.

inspired by three lines of Michael O'Donnell's 'Gentle Morning' Ben Grader 2001
Edited 28th October as suggested by Rainrose.

Born and bred a country yokel
Back to top
Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2004 5:25 pm Report this post to a moderator
rainrose

New Member


Total Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2004 6:13 pm
Link to this post Reply To This
Ah, what a pretty site. I wish for that peaceful activity... it sounds so- natural.

I have a question about the comma usage: is it necessary in these lines? (i took out what I believe are grammatically incorrect commas. I've never been wonderful at grammar though, so I'm not at all certain):

"I sit unseen as a heron lands upon the further bank
and stands, like a preacher in his pulpit, looking down
not at a congregation, but for frogs or eels."

Also in those lines, I think to say "frogs and eels" would fit because "or" repeats the sound in "for" and makes it sound uncertain instead of a definitive statement of what the preacher/heron is doing.
(I guess I have have another question... it is further or farther?)

I love the consonance in this poem. :) I miss reading poetry.
What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more.
Back to top
Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 4:06 am Report this post to a moderator
Ben Grader

Junior Member


Total Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:24 am
Link to this post Reply To This
Rainrose I quite agree, this was written before in the old PQ days and I have since been on a site for 1 year where I had learned quite a lot about writing. They had a member named Eng Prof whom Cyncity and myself referred to between messages and to Mishima as EGO prof. I really enjoyed stirring him up. I mentioned when replying to a members poem, with a poem, (which they did not allow and surprised me after the easygoing way on PQ) that I had written it in around five minutes, I did this merely to explain the roughness of it. I had a sarcastic remark from EGOProf about boasting how quickly I could write. Yet a couple of days later he himself had entered one which he mentioned had taken him 26 years to polish into form. Inverse boasting?
As I say I learnt a lot about punctuation and also phrasing. The main thing though was that they seemed to consider more about that than about the 'message' in the poem.
GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT BEN!!!
I agree too that your mention of 'frogs or eels' should be amended to 'frogs and eels'
I posted this from a file purely because I think that Jon Snow is Ghost Wolf of PQ days. I did not stop to edit it as I should have done.
Hope you don't mind but I have put you and him forward as possible forum moderators if and when the poetry forums are expanded, also myself and maybe Emily if she is Emily-the-Fariy of PQ days.
Born and bred a country yokel
Back to top
Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 10:32 am Report this post to a moderator
Lerins

Junior Member


Total Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2004 8:39 am
Link to this post Reply To This
I like the idea that it picks up where another poem left off/didn't go. I haven't read the full version of the inspiration, but from the three lines you put (the three you said you were inspired by) this seems like a nice extension of it.
Back to top
Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:53 pm Report this post to a moderator
Bluesy Socrateaser

Veteran Member


Total Posts: 225
Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2009 6:14 am
Link to this post Reply To This
QuoteI learnt a lot about punctuation and also phrasing. The main thing though was that they seemed to consider more about that than about the 'message' in the poem.


I prefer what the poetry is saying (the message) far more than grammar. Semantics as a linguistic science isn't what its all about either, I just believe the essence is more simple than that.

I also prefer that workshops be available in separate forums. If one would want help with their writings, that would be the kind of place to look for it. I don't care for english lessons in the open poetry forums.
A little creativity in responses is an art all its own. That being said, just a simple nod would do as much, if well placed. At least one's work would be acknowledged.


...8)
...Just being Bluesy
Back to top
Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:51 am Report this post to a moderator
PoetsQuill Message Board » Post Your Poetry
Sent To A Friend Printable Version
All posts are © their original authors
Board software © 2004–2008 Phil Gengler
Privacy Statement