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Posted by Ben Grader on Tue Nov 09, 2004 11:09 pm
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The rain drifts down; a lazy mist,
<br>captures the distant trees.
<br>No birds are calling; even the rooks
<br>perching forlorn in willows by the rhine
<br>are sitting in silent misery.
<br>
<br>From its quat a hare peeps forth
<br>ears wet and drooping, as it peers
<br>suspecting distant enemies;
<br>for rain will kill a fox?s scent.
<br>
<br>Pheasants wander keeping
<br>beneath the hedge and scratch
<br>kicking the dirt and search
<br>in vain for insects; a fruitless hope.
<br>
<br>Rain-water pools and dribbles
<br>down the gripes, washing in
<br>mouse-holes flushing out
<br>unfortunate field voles.
<br>
<br>Now the rain has trickled
<br>through my coat, a steady damp
<br>is oozing down my back
<br>I am for home myself
<br>and whisky toddy in the warm.
<br>
<br>
<br><br><br><!--EDIT:1102446295:Ben Grader-->
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Posted by Nate on Sun Nov 21, 2004 8:30 am
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I liked it! Each stanza is like a snapshot of what's happening, and you do a good job of conveying the scene to the reader. However, all the fifth lines in each stanza seem either redundant or unnecessary. For instance, "who built too close for safety" is implied already, and it detracts from the whole visual imagery aspect of the poem. Don't explain, just show and then the reader can draw his own conclusions.
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Posted by Ben Grader on Wed Dec 08, 2004 12:03 am
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Thanks for the comment Nate, looking in restrospect I quite agree about the fifth line in the middle three verses. I shall edit my original but keep the fifth line in the first and last verses.
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Posted by Lerins on Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:09 pm
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I like this as a written poem, and like Nate said, each stanza is a snapshot that inspires images. I tried reading it in my head like you would read it aloud, and it feels very "start and stop" with the rhythm. Maybe there isn't one, or maybe I'm just missing it, but it seems like you can get two or three lines in and then lose thr rhythm.
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Posted by Ben Grader on Fri Sep 02, 2005 10:51 am
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Thanks for your comment Lerins My niece told me to read anything I wrote out loud to see if it 'worked' and I find that a tip to sometimes get a balance.
<br />Been a little neglectful of Poets Quill latey but I must reform and look in regularly.
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Posted by Bluesy Socrateaser on Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:33 am
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One of the great accompaniments to wet, cool days of early spring and late fall is the "toddy'. The scenic blends of the day are well evident Ben.
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<br />...<img src="http://www.poetsquill.com/images/forums/emoticons/cool.gif" alt='8)' />
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