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Posted by rainrose on Thu Oct 28, 2004 4:19 am
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<b>Battle Scars</b>
<br>10.18.04
<br>
<br>The scratches on my arm suggest
<br>that I tangled with tigers,
<br>attended my archenemies,
<br>scattered my seven foes
<br>(or other daring feats)
<br>and not the reality of life.
<br>
<br>I worked harder than most
<br>conditioned to win approval
<br>(prestige and character only second),
<br>battling demon wires stretched to form
<br>decorations for ungratefulness.
<br>
<br>Planning, pardoning, partaking,
<br>I salvaged life's meaning in the rain,
<br>growing content with peace
<br>and raging against the wire.
<br>
<br>It was not lost on me,
<br>the irony of life: begging for handouts
<br>in a "war" of Me vs. Them.
<br>
<br>And still I shadowed,
<br>haunting headaches,
<br>
<br>finished.
<br><br><br><!--EDIT:1098919223:rainrose-->
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Posted by Ben Grader on Thu Oct 28, 2004 10:49 am
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<i>Planning, pardoning, partaking, </i>
<br>I like this, it rolls off the tongue beautifully.
<br>Maybe a ; after - <i>I salvaged life's meaning in the rain; </i>
<br>but will
<br><i>growing content with peace
<br>and raging against the wire. </i>
<br>stand by itself?
<br>I think maybe arch-enemies would easier on the eyes if it were hyphenated?.
<br>I like it; you have succeeded in expressing the fact that it is always Me v Them, in life.<br><br><!--EDIT:1098942751:Ben Grader-->
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Posted by Nocturne on Sun Feb 13, 2005 8:08 pm
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I especially like the first stanza. This is a great piece. I like it the way it is, but perhaps maybe a dash after "I salvaged life's meaning in the rain". It just seems that a more dramatic pause there would work very well:
<br>"Planning, pardoning, partaking,
<br>I salvaged life's meaning in the rain-
<br>growing content with peace
<br>and raging against the wire."
<br>Just a suggestion though. :)
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