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Posted by Ben Grader on Wed Oct 27, 2004 5:25 pm
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<i>A gentle mist rises
<br>from the pond I sit near
<br>birthing a rainbow in the cool sun's light.</i>
<br>
<br>A water hen fusses her way
<br>through the rushes at the verge:
<br>crying with a raucous call, to her young ones
<br>as they scatter across, the stretch of water.
<br>Small fish break the surface, as they hunt down
<br>midges newly hatched: to make a breakfast.
<br>Here and there a swirl, as a pike, in turn
<br>skims his meal, from the little fish.
<br>I sit unseen as a heron lands upon the further bank
<br>and stands like a preacher in his pulpit, looking down
<br>not at a congregation, but for frogs and eels.
<br>It is the start of a summer day.
<br>
<br>inspired by three lines of Michael O'Donnell's 'Gentle Morning' Ben Grader 2001
<br>Edited 28th October as suggested by Rainrose.<br><br><!--EDIT:1098941702:Ben Grader-->
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Posted by rainrose on Thu Oct 28, 2004 4:06 am
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Ah, what a pretty site. I wish for that peaceful activity... it sounds so- natural.
<br>
<br>I have a question about the comma usage: is it necessary in these lines? (i took out what I believe are grammatically incorrect commas. I've never been wonderful at grammar though, so I'm not at all certain):
<br>
<br>"I sit unseen as a heron lands upon the further bank
<br>and stands, like a preacher in his pulpit, looking down
<br>not at a congregation, but for frogs or eels."
<br>
<br>Also in those lines, I think to say "frogs and eels" would fit because "or" repeats the sound in "for" and makes it sound uncertain instead of a definitive statement of what the preacher/heron is doing.
<br>(I guess I have have another question... it is further or farther?)
<br>
<br>I love the consonance in this poem. :) I miss reading poetry.
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Posted by Ben Grader on Thu Oct 28, 2004 10:32 am
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Rainrose I quite agree, this was written before in the old PQ days and I have since been on a site for 1 year where I had learned quite a lot about writing. They had a member named Eng Prof whom Cyncity and myself referred to between messages and to Mishima as EGO prof. I really enjoyed stirring him up. I mentioned when replying to a members poem, with a poem, (which they did not allow and surprised me after the easygoing way on PQ) that I had written it in around five minutes, I did this merely to explain the roughness of it. I had a sarcastic remark from EGOProf about boasting how quickly I could write. Yet a couple of days later he himself had entered one which he mentioned had taken him 26 years to polish into form. Inverse boasting?
<br>As I say I learnt a lot about punctuation and also phrasing. The main thing though was that they seemed to consider more about that than about the 'message' in the poem.
<br>GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT BEN!!!
<br>I agree too that your mention of 'frogs or eels' should be amended to 'frogs and eels'
<br>I posted this from a file purely because I think that Jon Snow is Ghost Wolf of PQ days. I did not stop to edit it as I should have done.
<br>Hope you don't mind but I have put you and him forward as possible forum moderators if and when the poetry forums are expanded, also myself and maybe Emily if she is Emily-the-Fariy of PQ days.
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Posted by Lerins on Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:53 pm
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I like the idea that it picks up where another poem left off/didn't go. I haven't read the full version of the inspiration, but from the three lines you put (the three you said you were inspired by) this seems like a nice extension of it.
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Posted by Bluesy Socrateaser on Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:51 am
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<blockquote ><div><cite>Quote</cite>I learnt a lot about punctuation and also phrasing. The main thing though was that they seemed to consider more about that than about the 'message' in the poem.</div></blockquote>
<br />
<br />I prefer what the poetry is saying (the message) far more than grammar. Semantics as a linguistic science isn't what its all about either, I just believe the essence is more simple than that.
<br />
<br />I also prefer that workshops be available in separate forums. If one would want help with their writings, that would be the kind of place to look for it. I don't care for english lessons in the open poetry forums.
<br />A little creativity in responses is an art all its own. That being said, just a simple nod would do as much, if well placed. At least one's work would be acknowledged.
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<br />
<br />...<img src="http://www.poetsquill.com/images/forums/emoticons/cool.gif" alt='8)' />
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